Je mets les pieds où je veux, et c'est souvent dans la gueule

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When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.
The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.
Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.
Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."
Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long
When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger".
Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
Chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.
70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick.

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The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.
Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.
It is said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.
A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.
After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris' Penis is a third degree blackbelt, and an honorable 32nd-degree mason.
Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter.
Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.
Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.
Chuck Norris' dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and that dick is still bigger than yours.
There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.
When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis.
Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.
In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.
Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts".
Everything King Midas touches turns to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.
Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the Richter scale.
Most people know that Descartes said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.
Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.
Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.
Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.
Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.
Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.
Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.
When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame
The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.
When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.
Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.
Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.
Chuck Norris make onions cry